We’ve all at some point made statements like, “Don’t take this personally, or  “I don’t take things personally,” when we do, even if we don’t acknowledge or realize it.

And once said we feel the sting. It’s almost like a reflex. When someone tells us not to take it personally, we instinctively brace ourselves, and when we say we don’t take things personally, let’s be honest – we often do. The reality is that, as humans, it’s natural to interpret feedback, criticism, or even unsolicited advice as a reflection of our worth or choices. So, how can we deal with these natural reactions without feeling stressed or burdened?

Understanding Why We Take Things Personally

First, let’s address why these words hit so close to home. Most of us are hardwired to care about how others perceive us, especially those we value. Through the ages, acceptance from our social groups was vital for survival, so we have been pre-programmed to look for signs of approval or disapproval. When someone says, “Don’t take it personally,” it triggers our natural defenses and hints that we probably are not going to like what’s coming next. This also applies when we try to reassure others and ourselves with “I don’t take things personally,” attempting to  mask feelings we haven’t fully processed.

For some of us it’s a delayed reaction and one that often simmers below the surface.  That simmering causes feelings that have us avoiding the person whose “don’t take personal” comments have actually taken a toll on what was once a  good relationship.  One we now question at every turn.

Acknowledging this reflex doesn’t make us weak or oversensitive. In fact, it’s a normal human response. But by recognizing it, we can start to distance ourselves from the automatic reaction, by creating space to respond in a healthier way.

Additionally try to remember it’s not ALWAYS about you.  Often, people’s opinions and comments reflect more about them than they do about us. For instance, if a friend makes a comment about your choice of something, it may stem from their own experiences or concerns. By shifting focus and reminding yourself that other people’s words are shaped by their personal filters, you can reduce the impact on your own emotions.

Finally When You’re the One Giving Feedback

If you’re on the giving end of advice or critique, be mindful of your words. Instead of prefacing with “Don’t take this personally,” which primes people to take it personally, try saying something like, “do you mind if I share my thoughts”, and they agree, share and end with “I hope what I said was helpful.” This subtle shift can make a big difference in how the message is received.